I am keeping five blogs – four in Tumblr and this page here in WordPress. The first blog is a personal diary like this one but sans filter for words and emotions. All is raw, even uncouth, in that page because it is a realm where I don’t have to worry about familiar people reading and wondering wth is my problem, which I have a pile of. The second is an obsolete portfolio. The third is a private compilation of photos; all of which are of my daughters. And the fourth is a room for poetry – for heartbreak poetry – that makes me want the earth to swallow me whole because it is that embarrassing.
To be honest, I started this page four years ago because I felt the need to build up my image to possible employers. It was an entirely business thing since I was jobhunting, again, at that time. I wanted to pitch how I write and process my thoughts but there was just no way I can show my cuss-filled Tumblr blog –flavorful at its core. And I wasn’t willing to delete entries because those were genuine sentiments. From there, I decided I will start a new blog, by a new me, from scratch.
It was hard. I practised my mind to describe things in an “uplifting” manner. I was firm that no cynicism will be part of my new brand because I should seem this cordial kind of person to interviewers.
It’s cliché but before I knew it, I was walking the talk. I still curse. I still lose my shit. But it’s a lot less than how I used to. Being pissed is not my reflex reaction anymore when I dislike things. I also started to enjoy this new tone of writing; I thought it felt empowering and I began to be hopeful about a lot of possibilities. I tried to decode the logic behind it and I thought it was because forcing myself to write in a sunnier tone required me to rearrange my thoughts; to retell all that I think in a positive manner, which trickled down to my mood and all things I did.
Years ago, my Filipino translated into a surge of complaints when I’m with my fluffy comfort person – my dear husband. At the end of those days, I would dwell on the bad things about work and carry them with me in my dreams. But I don’t have these nightmares anymore; I stopped seeing my bosses in my dreams and I can never be happier. *world peace! 😌
I think the best part of my improvement is how I’m now less toxic to talk to. “Less” because I still am from time to time. Paolo tells me how I’ve stopped complaining to him about work, which I also noticed about myself!
I’m 29. It took me 9 years and several job-hops to get this off my system and here I am! There is such a thing as baby crawl; and you, unapologetic young blood, will arrive here too.
I am trying my hand again at free-flow designing where I would just randomly throw in things and decide what to do when it’s there. I wasn’t originally aiming for something vaporwave but there it is.