Writing at 29

I am keeping five blogs – four in Tumblr and this page here in WordPress. The first blog is a personal diary like this one but sans filter for words and emotions. All is raw, even uncouth, in that page because it is a realm where I don’t have to worry about familiar people reading and wondering wth is my problem, which I have a pile of. The second is an obsolete portfolio. The third is a private compilation of photos; all of which are of my daughters. And the fourth is a room for poetry – for heartbreak poetry – that makes me want the earth to swallow me whole because it is that embarrassing.

To be honest, I started this page four years ago because I felt the need to build up my image to possible employers. It was an entirely business thing since I was jobhunting, again, at that time. I wanted to pitch how I write and process my thoughts but there was just no way I can show my cuss-filled Tumblr blog –flavorful at its core. And I wasn’t willing to delete entries because those were genuine sentiments. From there, I decided I will start a new blog, by a new me, from scratch.

It was hard. I practised my mind to describe things in an “uplifting” manner. I was firm that no cynicism will be part of my new brand because I should seem this cordial kind of person to interviewers.

It’s cliché but before I knew it, I was walking the talk. I still curse. I still lose my shit. But it’s a lot less than how I used to. Being pissed is not my reflex reaction anymore when I dislike things. I also started to enjoy this new tone of writing; I thought it felt empowering and I began to be hopeful about a lot of possibilities. I tried to decode the logic behind it and I thought it was because forcing myself to write in a sunnier tone required me to rearrange my thoughts; to retell all that I think in a positive manner, which trickled down to my mood and all things I did.

Years ago, my Filipino translated into a surge of complaints when I’m with my fluffy comfort person – my dear husband. At the end of those days, I would dwell on the bad things about work and carry them with me in my dreams. But I don’t have these nightmares anymore; I stopped seeing my bosses in my dreams and I can never be happier. *world peace! 😌

I think the best part of my improvement is how I’m now less toxic to talk to. “Less” because I still am from time to time. Paolo tells me how I’ve stopped complaining to him about work, which I also noticed about myself!

I’m 29. It took me 9 years and several job-hops to get this off my system and here I am! There is such a thing as baby crawl; and you, unapologetic young blood, will arrive here too.

P.S.
I am trying my hand again at free-flow designing where I would just randomly throw in things and decide what to do when it’s there. I wasn’t originally aiming for something vaporwave but there it is.

9 Comments

  1. First of all, I love your featured image! Come to think of it, I love ALL your featured images. Okay, moving on. Unfiltered blogging has never been my thing. Even when I was managing a beauty blog a few years back, I could never review a product cussing left and right. That’s why I was never a PR-friendly blog since I’m brutally honest and I say things how it is. But I suppose there are times when I just want to be positive and sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. But alas, this life that I’m living is just not meant for those colorful things. So while I’m all for it, the “dark side” just suits me better. Hahaha

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    1. Thank you Victoria! 🙂 I actually tried my hand in reviewing products but I SUCK!
      Pero I think it’s fun that you are brutally honest. More brands now are into authentic people who actually speak with the audience more than just “ililista ko lahat, makapost lang.”
      About the dark side you were talking about, the Sith welcomes you well. I hope you don’t mind that this is bigot, pero even your name is sophisticated but dark. So fuck sunshine hahaha

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Fuck typos. I meant to say FILTERED blogging has never been my thing. And then I also meant to say WITHOUT CUSSING left and right. Tangina. This is what happens when you type comments half-asleep hahahaha :p

        And hm… my name has never been described as dark but I’ll take it, with arms wide open. Hahaha.

        Teach me how 2 do d featured images pows ate plith 😦

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  2. Heyyyy we have a thing in common. My current blog is for rainbows. It’s hard but it’s nice. It forces me to think happy thoughts most of the time. Filtered, but definitely helped me improve. 🙂

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  3. This is one of the best changes one could do! I practiced something similar. I can’t remember what exactly triggered it, but I just woke up one day thinking “chill lang, self” or “is this something I’d still care about in a year? 5 years? when I’m a senior?”. I still don’t deny myself of feeling these feelings. Repressing emotions is just as bad for my emotional health, but with practice, I’m able to shorten the amount of time I am able to move on. My make-myself-chill-thought-process seem to have become automatic now.

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